Time to crib

Now its time to crib – crib about everything I’ve seen at my gigs till today. Guitarists and drummers are not going to be happy – but hey – this is what happens to an engineer every time some of you guys get on stage.

After a whole day’s work, the band is finally up on stage for sound check, after making a fuss, of course! The mundane things they fuss over include ” Dude, it’s so hot”, “Dude, why is the stage so small”, “Dude, at what time is the show”, “Dude, where can I get fags”, “Dude, why do the speakers look small”, “Will the subs be enough”, “Are we playing first”, it just goes on and on and on! I don’t even attempt to answer them as I would lose my mind, like the questions aren’t enough already!

After they get on stage and begin making noises, you realise there are worse things that can happen you. Their friends and groupies turn up – both guys and girls. Before the band can start off properly on the PA system this is what they ask –

1. “Why is the guitar not heard?”
2. “Can’t the bass drum be deeper, flatter, kickier, and punchier?” (little does he know those terms are as good as saying, “Can I have a Pizza with a lot of highs and a little reverb? And also some extra delay?” Hmmmm…)
3.” How many dB can your speakers produce?” (Not dB spl or any other reference)
4. “Can you make the vocals nicer, smoother, crisper, sweeter, hotter, mellower?” (And would you like some fries with that?)

I have one answer, “The PA has not been switched on yet”.